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I embarrassingly forgot about this page… and when I have remembered it, it seems like a part I have wanted to shut off from everyone.

I have been at my job for almost six months now, and it still sometimes feels like I’m living in that constant fear of how I’m going to pay the electric bill. It’s weird to do all those things I previously mentioned–order out for lunch instead of eating ramen, getting in thermostat wars instead of shivering under a blanket on the couch, dressing up nicely instead of wearing sweatpants and pajamas.

I have changed. I get lost in my job. It feels good. I can identify with it rather than identifying myself as an unemployed loser.

My heart goes out to the unemployed. I’ve been there, I know how difficult it is. I tear up whenever I hear about layoffs or people losing their jobs… because I think of the lack of hope, and all I want to do is share a portion of the hope I have.

The job I have now… I won’t be here forever. It’s not my dream job, but currently… it’s where I need to be, and I’m glad I’m here. I’d even go so far to say that I love my job–and I’m being serious. I work at a non-profit, and it feels good to be doing a “worthwhile” job (even though I wish I could get paid more).

Being unemployed, I learned what the important things in lifeĀ  are. Money is important, but not that important. Sanity and hope are much more important. Hope has become my favourite four letter word (ok, maybe not THE favourite of all four letter words…). Hope is what I wake up for. When I was jobless, it was hard to wake up because I didn’t have hope.

Keep on hoping, people. Hope. Hope. Hope. Some days… it’s all we can do to keep our heads above the water.

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So…

I got a job.

Like, a real job.

It does not involve a cash register or deep fryer. It does not involve selling makeup or calling random strangers to hear your spiel about a great offer especially for valued customers like themselves.

I got a job with a desk, an office, and regular hours. I will hear office gossip. I will order out for lunch. I will get in thermostat wars with my coworkers. I will get paid more than minimum wage. I will maybe even wear a suit to work (though knowing this relaxed office environment, it won’t be often).

I got a job and I am terrified.

I am terrified of making mistakes. Of not being able to handle this job. Of being the new person. Of not understanding inside jokes. Of losing my job. I’m terrified that my imperfections will be seen as failures.

I know that all new situations bring upon a fear of the unknown. This is definitely an intense job, a big role, and I think that adds a bit to the uncertainty of the situation. I keep asking myself, can I do this again? It’s been over a year since I did this full time, relevant job thing. I’m glad I have been eased into the working world these past almost-six months, but working retail is far from working in a professional role (though I must say that retail is quite stressful in its own way).

I will wake up early. I will make a morning commute. I will have cases of the Mondays. I will have to leave my house at least five days a week. I will not have to worry about filing my unemployment claims. I will not be embarrassed when people ask me what I’ve been up to.

I got a job and I’m scared shitless… but not as much as when I was unemployed.

will definitely still review movies. thinking of my unemployed brethren.
keep hope alive.
-critically jobless.

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